Shwoo's Writings

The Masked King

2007-08-08T04:07:58Z

This would be a pastiche of the fairy tales I read when I was little. I did my best to do write in the style I remember that the fairy tales being in. I just wrote it for fun and stuff. It's not even really a parody, although I did have to forget about logic to write it.

It's actually a well known fairy tale in the world that the novel I'm working on is set in. They have magic, but it doesn't work in the way depicted here. I'm thinking that this masked king can be a real person in that world, but this account of his youth is completely made up.

Title: The Masked King
Rating: M for mentions of rape and pedophilia
Word Count: 942
Summary: A humble peasant or something seeks his fortune. He is so beautiful that everyone who looks at him falls in love with him, so he wears a mask all the time.

Once upon a time there was a young man with a face so radiant that all who saw him, male or female, would instantly fall in love. Well aware of this, the boy fashioned himself a mask to cover his face, and set out to seek his fortune.

In the first town he came to, the young man was taken as a blacksmith's apprentice.

Upon being asked about his mask, he said, "I must wear it, for if I do not, all who see me will fall in love with me. Please let me keep my mask."

And the blacksmith did not question the boy further.

Yet over time, the blacksmith became more and more curious about the young man's true appearance. He found that he could not truly believe that anybody could be as beautiful as the boy claimed to be. One day, while the young man was sleeping, the blacksmith crept up on him and pulled his mask off. He saw at once that the boy was every bit as good looking as he had said, and fell hopelessly in love.

The young man woke up and was filled with sorrow when he saw what had happened.

"Master, why did you remove my mask when I told you that all who see my face will fall in love with me?" he asked.

So horribly smitten was the blacksmith that he could not reply, and instead gazed adoringly at the boy's features.

"I am sorry, master, but I cannot love you," said the boy. "I could only love a woman."

Upon hearing this, the blacksmith gave a great cry and flung himself through a nearby window. The young man looked out and saw that the blacksmith had died when he hit the ground. Weeping, he left the town for good.

In the second town he came to, the boy was taken as a carpenter's apprentice.

Again he was asked about his mask, and again he responded, "I must wear it, for if I do not, all who see me will fall in love with me. Please let me keep my mask."

The carpenter was more inquisitive than the blacksmith, and he said "That is difficult for me to believe. Pray let me peek at your true face."

"I cannot," said the young man. "For my last master looked upon my face, and it led to his death when I did not love him."

And the carpenter did not question the boy further.

However, that night when the young man was sleeping, the carpenter crept up on him and pulled off his mask. Like the blacksmith, he fell hopelessly in love.

When the boy woke up, he said, "Master, why did you remove my mask when I told you that all who see my face will fall in love with me?" and not expecting a reply, he continued, "I am sorry, master, but I cannot love you. I could only love a woman."

The carpenter gave a cry of rage, and he took the young man and had his way with him. When the townspeople found out what had been done, they killed the carpenter. And again, the boy left the town for good.

The third town that the young man came to was a city. Before seeking work, he visited a mage.

"Please help me," he said to the mage. "All who see my face fall in love with me and die."

"I cannot alter your appearance without looking upon your face," said the mage. "However, I can give you a spell that will stop anybody but yourself from removing your mask."

And the boy took the spell and went to seek work.

The news of what had happened in the first two towns had reached the city, and there was much muttering about the young man's true intentions. However, he was taken on as a guard in the service of the king. During this time he courted many young maiden's, but never dared to remove his mask in their presence, for he was pure-hearted and did not want to force them to love him. Many commented on how diligently he did his work, and one day the king summoned the boy to him.

"I have grown curious about your true face," said the king. "Please, remove your mask so that I can look upon it."

The young man bowed and said, "I am sorry, my lord, but I cannot do this thing even for you. For surely you know that all who see my face will in love with me?"

The king looked thoughtful. "Then will you allow my eldest daughter to see your face? She has loved you from afar since the day you set foot in this castle."

"That is acceptable," said the boy.

And so the young man was taken to the princess's chambers. When the princess saw him, her face glowed with an inner light and she begged him to take off his mask.

The boy obliged, and the princess cried "Father! He is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined! I must have his hand in marriage!"

Then the princess began to relate the young man's features to the king, who stood just outside the door. The boy realised that he also loved the princess, and he accepted her offer of marriage.

And so the young man married the princess. Although his looks became well-known, he continued to wear the mask for the rest of his life, only taking it off when he was alone with the princess. In time the old king died, and the boy was known forevermore as the Masked King.

For some reason I find it hilarious that "forevermore" is a real word. Also I had to stop writing this a couple of times because I was laughing too hard.

Rite of Passage

2007-08-03T14:08:33Z

At around the same time as the last entry, I wrote a script for an imaginary cartoon based on Nathalie's Delightful Children from Down the Lane from KND. I used to roleplay with Nathalie all the time. Anyway, they were the standard Misunderstood And Not Really Evil Children Of Father that was very popular back before the movie came out. I did ask permission before writing this. I kind of warped the characters, Clarissa and Tabitha in particular, but not too much.

The premise, slightly modified from the original: One day a descendant of an angel named Angela fell in love with a demon posessed man named Charles. They had five kids. Soon after the youngest, Tabitha, was born, Charles went all crazy and demon posessed, and he kidnapped his kids and brainwashed them. It took Angela eight years to find them again. When she did, she sealed Charles away somehow. Then she had to raise her kids again. Also the kids have to fight evil on their own, because Angela uses up most of her energy keeping Charles sealed.

Also Lenny's girlfriend is Nathalie's self-insertion, who's an alien. They were really interesting roleplays. And it's supposed to be corny. I think it's funny. (Shrugs)

Title: Rite of Passage
Fandom: KND roleplay
Rating: PG
Word Count: 3,609
Summary: Lenny and Clarissa are about to turn 13. Tabitha gets kidnapped by demons.

(The characters’ house, which is a typical suburban home. They’re all at breakfast, except for Tabitha. By the way, [] means telepathy)

Angela: Lenny, Clarissa, have you thought about what you want for your birthday next week?

Clarissa (Handing Angela a long list) These are the presents I must receive or I’ll be the laughing stock of all my friends. (Distracted) Especially Ginny. I hate her so much. (She regains her focus and hands Angela another list. Angela lifts it up and it unfurls to cover most of the table) And here’s all the other stuff I want. (Handing Angela a piece of paper) And here’s what you can get for Lenny.

(Angela looks at it. It reads “A PAIR OF SOCKS (CLEAN ONES)” in neat writing)

Angela: (Rolling up the long list) Clarissa….

Clarissa: I’ve also taken the liberty of getting a hairdresser’s appointment to get my hair coloured wine red. It’s the in look this season.

(She pats her hair. Angela sighs)

Angela: Clarissa, I don’t have the money to pay for all that.

Lenny: (Rolling his eyes) Probably because she used your credit card to buy some expensive dress last week.

Clarissa: For your information, it was several expensive dresses.

Angela: (resigned) How did you get my number?

Clarissa: I bribed David with a book, of course. (They look at David. He’s reading a book entitled “Fauna of Antarctica: The midge and beyond”, using telekinesis to hold it up) Weirdo.

Reggie: Well, time to disown her. (He somehow pulls a sheaf of paper out of his pocket) I got the papers all ready to go.

Angela: I can’t do that, Reggie.

Reggie: (irritated) Why not?!

Angela: Well, for one thing it’s against the lore.

Reggie: (Shaking fist) Stupid lore. (Clarissa shoots a fireball at him under the table) Ow!

Angela: Reggie, stop baiting your sister. Clarissa, stop assaulting your brother.

Reggie: (reluctantly) Yes, mom.

Clarissa: (Simultaneously) Yes, mother.

(David looks up)

David: I don’t understand the attraction of celebrating the date of one’s birth.

Angela: There are a lot of reasons, but the thirteenth birthday is… special. It marks your coming of age, your entry into adulthood.

Reggie: What, are we Jewish now?

David: Actually, our religion sprang from the same roots as Judaism, Christianity and Islam, though it split off far earlier than the latter two.

(He goes back to his book)

Angela: Yes, thank you David. You must undergo a rite of passage on your birthday before you can be considered an adult.

(Lenny jumps)

Lenny: A what?

Reggie: You know, a Bar Mitzvah.

David: (Irritated) Not Jewish.

Angela: All we do is test your powers. It happens to everyone of our lineage. In fact, Reggie had it happen on his thirteenth birthday.

Reggie: I did?

Angela: You wouldn’t remember, but you did very well.

Lenny: (worried) You can do badly?

Clarissa: (singsong) You’re gonna fa-il!

Angela: You’ll do fine, Lenny. Don’t worry about it.

Lenny: Now I’m just gonna make me worry more! (He puts his head in his hands, then lifts it back up) What’s taking Tabitha?

Clarissa: Oh, she got kidnapped by quasi-demonic entities at like two in the morning. (The others stare at her) It took me an hour to get back to sleep, and I think… (She notices their stares) Do I have to tell everyone everything around here? God!

(Lenny bangs his head on the table repeatedly)

(Lenny eats lunch at school with his girlfriend, Nathalie)

Lenny: And in conclusion, my life stinks. Tabby’s missing, I have to do this stupid rite thing…

Nathalie: Aw, I know you’ll do great!

Lenny: Why does everyone keep saying that?

Nathalie: ‘Cause it’s true! (Lenny puts his head in his hands again) What’s the worst they could do?

Lenny: (Muffled) Rip off all my limbs and stuff them down my throat?

Nathalie: Maybe they’ll make you do an obstacle course! (Lenny nods with his head still in his hands) Or maybe you’ll turn into animals!

Lenny: (Looking up) Huh?

Nathalie: Or maybe your spirits will get torn away from your bodies!

Lenny: (Worried) Is this some sort of alien thing?

Nathalie: And then I’ll have to nurse you back to health!

Lenny: (Upset) Thanks, but I’d rather not—

Nathalie: (Dreamily, as Lenny starts to bang his head against the table again) We can take a holiday to Eris, and I can show you the sights, and the Eris…ians can sign your casts, and… (Lenny slides out his of seat and onto the floor) Lenny?

(Tabitha is standing in a cage with laser bars in a cave. There are a couple of small demons outside the cage. She doesn’t look at all worried or frightened.)

Lackey Demon: And then we’re gonna suck your magic out! What do you think about that?

Tabitha: I think I’m hungry.

Boss Demon: Go get her something to eat! We can’t have her starving before the full moon!

Tabitha: (Sitting down) I like bacon and eggs.

(Lackey Demon starts to walk away)

Lackey Demon: Okay, whatever.

Tabitha: And thick shakes. Oh, and those hot dogs with ketchup and mustard and cheese and—

Lackey Demon: (Offscreen) I get it!

Boss Demon: (To Tabitha) What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you terrified?

Tabitha: My brothers and sisters will save me from you mean demons! They can do anything.

Boss Demon: They’d have to find you first.

Tabitha: They’ll find me.

(Later, in the characters’ living room. Lenny is lying on the couch in the fetal position, David is sitting next to him with his eyes closed, and Nathalie is talking to Angela)

Nathalie: He’s been like this since lunch! I have no idea why.

(Lenny twitches)

Angela: (Worried) What was he doing? Wrestling a Mare? (She pokes Lenny) Lenny? Can you hear me? (Lenny moans) What’s troubling you?

Lenny: (Muffled) Go away!

(He vanishes)

Angela: Where—

David: (Without opening his eyes) [Linen closet.]

(Angela opens the linen closet and looks inside. Lenny is curled up on the top shelf. Nathalie stands behind Angela)

Angela: Lenny, this is silly. You need to talk about it.

Lenny: Nu-uh!

Reggie: (Coming up behind them) Just leave him. He’s probably just stressed about the Not-Bar-Mitzvah thing.

Nathalie: But I told him he’d do really well! I even told him I’d nurse him back to health afterwards!

(Lenny whimpers from inside the cupboard)

Angela: Is that what this is about? (Lenny whimpers again) Lenny, there is nothing to be afraid of. There’s no pain involved.

Reggie: Except for the part where they remove your BRAIN!

Nathalie: (fascinated) Ooh…

Angela: Don’t listen to him. He doesn’t even remember.

Reggie: (Grabbing his head) The memories! The horrible repressed memories! Oh, the pain of it all!

(He falls down and groans)

Nathalie: (firmly) Lenny, you need to stop moping and come out of the closet!

(Reggie stops groaning and laughs uncontrollably. Angela looks at him disapprovingly)

Reggie: What?

(Tabitha is eating a hamburger. She puts it down half eaten)

Tabitha: I’m bored.

Lackey Demon: (To Boss Demon) Why did we have to kidnap her now? Why didn’t we just wait until full moon?

Boss Demon: Idiot! Do you know how long it takes to get approval from the IDU to abscond with superpowered eight year olds? I’ve been waiting months for this!

Lackey Demon: So why can’t you wait a few more days?

(Boss Demon opens his mouth to speak, closes it again, then knocks Lackey Demon down with a blow to the head)

Tabitha: (more insistantly) I’m bored!

Boss Demon: You go entertain her.

Lackey Demon: (Sitting up) With what?

Boss Demon: A puppet show or something, how should I know? (Muttering) I don’t know why I hire from a temp agency.

(The demon gives Tabitha a Bible Stories puppet show. Currently visible is a Cain puppet and an Abel puppet. Cain holds a stick, Abel holds a crook, and they both speak in Lackey Demon’s falsetto)

Cain Puppet: I’m Cain, a farmer!

Abel Puppet: And I’m Abel, a shepard!

Cain Puppet: God likes your dead animals more than my dead plants! Die!

(He beats the Abel puppet with his stick)

Abel Puppet: Ow! Ow! Ow!

(He falls down, and a God Puppet with a large flowing beard comes up)

God Puppet: (Deep voice) Where didst Abel go…est?

Cain Puppet: Am I my brother’s keeper?

God Puppet: …Yes.

Cain Puppet: Uh, Abel had to go… over there… (Points to his left)

God Puppet: Thy hath slain thee brotherest! I banisheth thou to the land of Nod!

Cain Puppet: (Sadly) Yes, sir.

(Lackey Demon comes up from behind the puppet thing. He has made the puppets by morphing his hands)

Lackey Demon: And they all lived happily ever after. Except Abel. Because he was dead.

(He looks at Tabitha. Tabitha starts to cry. He sags)

Tabitha: That story was too sa-ad!

Lackey Demon: Uh…

(He ducks again, and holds up the Abel puppet)

Abel Puppet: Wait! I’m alive!

God Puppet: (Coming up) Abel ist aliveth? All is forgivenest!

(God goes back down)

Cain Puppet: Yay!

Abel Puppet: Yay!

(The demon looks up again. Tabitha laughs. The demon looks relieved)

(Clarissa stands outside the linen closet. Reggie is overacting on the floor again)

Reggie: My back! (groans) My neck! My… um… umbilicus!

Clarissa: (To Lenny) Would you just come out of the closet? (Reggie starts laughing again) Shut up Reginald, it’s not that funny.

Reggie: (laughing) Yes it is!

Clarissa: (To Lenny) It’s been four days! Do you know what I’ve had to go through to get clean linen?

Reggie: Why didn’t you just ask him for your junk?

Clarissa: I said clean linen! (Lenny throws a towel at her) Ew! (Fires her hands, burning up the towel in the process) When you come out of there, I’m—

David: (Offscreen) [I found her.]

(David, Clarissa and Reggie meet in the living room)

David: Where is Lenny?

Reggie: Wussy-baby didn’t want to come out. (Laughing) Of the closet…

(Clarissa fireballs him in the chest. Reggie yelps and rolls around on the ground to put out the flames. He has a burn hole in his shirt for the rest of the episode)

Clarissa: Can we get this over with? I still haven’t chosen the perfect dress for my birthday. Where is our dear helpless baby sister?

David: In a cave near Mount Gwenworth. Lenny can teleport us nearby.

Reggie: (Sitting up) If we can convince him to co… (Clarissa fires up her hands again) To stop sulking.

David: I’ll make an attempt. (Reggie rolls his eyes and yawns, accidentally hitting Clarissa in the face) [Lenny, we have to save Tabitha.]

(Clarissa fires her hands and hits Reggie in the back, knocking him down. David doesn’t hear anything from Lenny. Reggie stands up and tackles Clarissa)

David: [She could be in real danger!]

(Cut to the cave. Tabitha and Lackey Demon are playing cards. Lackey Demon’s hand is visible. He has a 3 of clubs, a 6 of clubs, a Queen of hearts, a 4 of clubs and a 2 of clubs)

Lackey Demon: Got any fives?

Tabitha: We’re playing poker.

Lackey Demon: I know…

David: [Lenny?] (Clarissa and Reggie fight for a bit) [Lenny!] (Clarissa bumps into the couch, which starts smoldering) I suppose we’ll have to go without him.

(He notices that the couch is on fire and yells. Reggie pushes Clarissa off him and stands up)

Reggie: (Pointing) If Tabitha was here, she could’ve put that out.

(In the cave, Lackey Demon is putting on another puppet show for Tabitha, who is bored. This one is based on Red Dwarf. He has a Lister puppet and a Rimmer puppet)

Lister Puppet: (Bad scouse accent) You’re a smeghead, Rimmer.

(A fireball hits Lackey Demon and he jumps up and looks around, noticing David, Reggie and Clarissa. Reggie and Clarissa are attempting to pose dramatically.)

Lackey Demon: Hey, they came! (He rushes them. David trips him over telekinetically and Clarissa fireballs him repeatedly, though it doesn’t really hurt him) Quit it!

(Reggie kicks him across the room, he hits the wall and stays there)

Reggie: (Cheerfully) Well, that was suspiciously easy. (He walks over to Tabitha’s cage as a shadow rises up behind him) C’mon, Tabby, let’s—

Tabitha: Reggie, look out!

(The shadow, Boss Demon, jumps up and hits Reggie hard on the head, knocking him out)

Clarissa: Idiot.

(She adopts a fighting pose, and Boss Demon hides underneath Reggie. Clarissa holds a fireball)

Boss Demon: You can’t hit me without hitting your brother as well.

Clarissa: (Scoffs) Like I care.

Boss Demon: You’d have to kill him to even bruise me.

(Clarissa prepares to throw the fireball)

Tabitha: (With teary eyes) Don’t do it, Clarry! I know you love him deep down! I know it!

(Clarissa thinks)

Clarissa: You’re right. Too many witnesses. (Tabitha giggles nervously) David, lift up the dead weight.

David: [I can’t. He’s too heavy]

Clarissa: (Sighs) If you want something done right… (She walks over to Reggie and pulls him away from the demon, which leaps up and claws at her face) Get it off! Get it off!

(David is too busy laughing to help as she stumbles around trying to pull the demon off her face, eventually running into the cage and knocking herself out. David looks around)

David: Um.

(He raises his hands in surrender)

(Lackey Demon presents The Demented Cartoon Puppet Show, with a stick figure puppet and a bomb puppet)

Juliet Puppet: Romeo? Romeo? Where aree youu Romeo?

Ziggy H Bomb Puppet: Here I am!

Juliet Puppet: You’re not Romeo!

Ziggy H Bomb Puppet: Zeeky Boogy Doog!

(Lackey Demon comes up from behind the puppet thing. He has a few bandaids on his face)

Lackey Demon: Boom. And then the world blew up. (Rolling his eyes) Again.

(A reverse angle shot reveals that David, Clarissa and Reggie are now in the cage as well. Reggie is laughing, Tabitha is confused, Clarissa is bored, and David isn’t paying attention)

Reggie: (Still laughing) That’s pure comedy! I wish Lenny was here to see this!

Clarissa: (Scathing) If Lenny were here, we’d be out of here already.

Tabitha: But… But how are they still there if the world keeps blowing up?

David: Shh. [Lenny? Lenny? Come in, Lenny.] (He chuckles to himself) [Lenny!]

(Angela carries Lenny, who’s fallen asleep, into his room)

David: (This is exactly what he was saying in the last scene, without the chuckle) [Lenny? Lenny? Come in, Lenny. Lenny! …Mum?]

Angela: (Looking at the ceiling) Yes, David?

David: [We got captured by some demons and we need Lenny to teleport us out before they suck our magic out.] (Angela puts Lenny down on a bed) [That’s my bed.]

Angela: Sorry, dear. (She puts Lenny on the other bed) Lenny is very nervous about his rite of passage. I’m worried about him. When do the demons intend to suck your magic out?

David: [They mentioned the next full moon. Will Lenny be well by then?]

Angela: I hope so. That’s his birthday.

David: [Please talk to him. We need him. Please stop kicking me, Clarissa! I have to go.]

(Angela sits down on Lenny’s bed and puts her head in her hands)

(Later, Lenny opens his eyes and sits up, looking around. He checks his watch and whimpers)

Lenny: Mom!

Angela: (Offscreen, faint) Yes?

Lenny: What day is it? (Angela’s response is inaudible) What?

Angela: (Offscreen, faint) Come downstairs!

(Lenny teleports into the dining room, where Angela is eating a sandwich)

Lenny: What day is it?

Angela: (Ironically) Happy birthday.

(Lenny whimpers again)

Lenny: Do I have to do that rite thingy?

Angela: Yes, you do.

Lenny: I don’t wanna. (He looks around, the table is conspicuously empty) Where is everyone?

Angela: They went off to save Tabitha and got themselves captured.

(Lenny looks shocked)

Lenny: Why didn’t you say anything?!

Angela: I did. Multiple times.

Lenny: I didn’t hear you!

Angela: And David kept trying to reach you.

Lenny: I didn’t hear him either!

Angela: Lenny, it’s okay to be nervous, (Hesitant) but maybe… not that… much?

Lenny: Actually, I think it was probably a concussion from all those self inflicted blows to the head I had.

Angela: (Skeptical) A concussion.

Lenny: I think maybe I should start wearing a helmet or something.

Angela: Then I missed a perfectly good chance to teach your brothers how to treat—

David: (As Angela says “Brothers”) [Lenny?]

Lenny: Yeah?

(Angela stops talking)

David: [Clarissa has a message for you… But I can’t give it because I don’t like to swear. Are you well now?]

Lenny: Pretty much. Are you okay?

(The scene switches to the cave. Reggie is watching another puppet show and laughing, Clarissa looks ready to murder someone, Tabitha is drinking a thick shake)

Reggie: (Still laughing) Do the one where the cheerleader gets cerebellum’d again!

David: [The demons are going to suck our magic out tonight, we haven’t exercised for 72 hours, which is bad for you, by the way, and Reggie is choosing the entertainment, but other than that, we’re fine. Could you please come and help us?]

Lenny: [Sure.]

David: [Thank you.] (Turning to the others) [He’s coming.]

(They express relief)

Clarissa: Finally! (She throws a fireball at the bars of the cage. It shrinks and goes out on impact) If I have to watch one more stupid puppet show…

Lackey Demon: Hey, I’m doing the best I can. What do you mean, “finally”?

Clarissa: Nothing I’d want to tell you. (She gets her birthday list out of her pocket and scribbles on the back. Then she shows it to the demon) Do this one with puppets.

Lackey Demon: Uh… Okay.

(He morphs his hand into a Clarissa puppet and puts on a high pitched voice)

Clarissa Puppet: I am Clarissa, and I will destroy all that is good!

(He morphs his other hand into a random citizen puppet)

Random Citizen Puppet: Oh no! The end is nigh!

Clarissa Puppet: Die!

(The Clarissa puppet attacks the citizen puppet)

Random Citizen Puppet: Help! I’m being killed!

Clarissa: (Smirking) Much better.

(She puts her hands behind her head and stretches)

(Lenny wanders around in the forest. He is wearing a backpack and different clothes)

David: [Now you turn left.] (Lenny turns left) [I mean right] (Lenny turns right and walks into a tree) [I’m sorry, I was right the first time] (Lenny groans) [Could you hurry up? It’s getting dark.]

Lenny: You’ve led me off course ten times already!

David: [It was three.]

Lenny: What I’m saying is, it’s not my fault I’m taking so long to get here.

David: [Reggie would like to relay the comment that it is your fault that you were hiding in the linen closet like a little baby for a week.]

Lenny: I had a concussion!

David: (To Reggie) [He says he had a concussion] (To David) [Reggie would like to respond with a long, drawn out “sure”.]

Lenny: Ugh.

(The cave again. It is dark. Lackey Demon is pulling the cage out of the cave and grunting. He soon gets it outside)

Lackey Demon: Behold, the light of the… wait a second…

(It’s cloudy)

Boss Demon: (Looking outside) Are they trembling in fear yet?

Reggie: Is it me, are these monsters of the week really lame?

(Lenny in the forest. Only his eyes are visible)

David: [You’re going the wrong way.]

Lenny: It would help if I could see! (The moon suddenly comes out. He’s in a clearing by a cliff) That’s better. (He hears Tabitha screaming and looks up at the cliff) Tabby! (He teleports onto the top of the cliff, where Boss Demon is holding Tabitha, and David, Reggie and Clarissa are trying to break his grip) Here I am to save the day!

Reggie: You took your time!

(Lenny teleports into the cage, grabs Tabitha, and teleports out again, taking his siblings with him)

Boss Demon: Hey!

(He advances on them)

Lenny: Hurry up, Tabitha!

Tabitha: (panicked) What do I do?

Lenny: Shoot him!

(Tabitha shoots Boss Demon with ice, and he crumbles into dust. Lackey Demon notices this and runs away)

Lenny: That other guy’s getting away…

Tabitha: I liked him. He was funny. And he gave me lots of food.

(Clarissa pelts the demon with fireballs. He yelps every time one hits him, but he keeps running)

Reggie: Can we go now?

Lenny: Sure! (They all link hands. Lenny teleports them high up into the air, just long enough for them to react, then he teleports them back) Oops. (He teleports them into the ocean, again just long enough for them to react, then teleports them back) Or maybe we’ll walk.

(Later, they’re all in the backyard of their house. Lenny, Clarissa and Angela are standing up, the others are sitting down. Angela puts her hands on their shoulders and closes her eyes. They start to glow. For a second, they appear to have wings. Reggie jumps. Then the glow dies down again. Angela smiles and opens her eyes)

Angela: You both did very well.

Lenny: (Rubbing his back distractedly) Wait. That’s it?

Angela: Yes, that was the rite.

Lenny: All it did was make me tingle! (Reggie starts laughing. He tries to say something, but gives up and just keeps laughing) Are you saying I hid in the linen closet for days because of this?

Clarissa: (Smug) But brother dear, you said you had a concussion.

Lenny: I, well, that’s what I meant! I had a concussion because of the stupid rite!

(Credits. Lenny interrupts the credits to complain some more)

Lenny: It only lasted five seconds! It hurt worse when I lost my first baby tooth!

For some reason, I wasn't expecting there to be a Homestar Runner reference there. Must've written it later than I thought.

Untitled

2007-08-03T13:37:16Z

This is a story about my Codename: Kids Next Door roleplaying character. I took away the Codename: Kids Next Door elements, which wasn't hard, and wrote an original story about her. This was a little over a year ago, when I was seventeen. Then I submitted it as an English assignment. I got a good mark.

Title: Untitled
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,538
Summary: Hope is the youngest person in the universe. Said universe will end in a year. What's a teenaged genius to do?

It was the year 2244. Humanity had not progressed throughout the solar system, and was not beginning to colonise planets on the other side of the galaxy. The galaxy no longer existed. And there were only eight humans left alive.

For over two hundred years, the universe had been shrinking down to a certain point on Earth. Of course the point was in America. That was where every interesting thing had happened. When the shrinking was discovered, there had been mass panic, and eventually World War III broke out, near the end of the 22nd century. It was fought in darkness. The sun had vanished 20 years before. World War III eventually petered out as most of its combatants died, and became the Breakdown. The Breakdown also petered out by 2230, or in the new years, 15BE. Fifteen years before the end. The universe was less than 4000 kilometres in radius at that point.

Hope, the youngest person alive, was celebrating her 14th birthday alone. The others in the complex weren’t very interested in birthdays, and they were so much older than her that they generally weren’t very interested in her, either. But Hope thought it was important. It was her last birthday. Ever. She’d even made herself a cake out of their sole food, genetically modified spinach. It wasn’t much of a cake, not like the ones she’d seen on DVDs, but it was better than nothing.

She looked up at the map on her bedroom wall. It had a small circle around her location, with traces of larger circles that had been erased. The circles represented the size of the universe. It was less than 100 kilometres in radius. It wouldn’t be long now.

She had to get out.

Later, at the time designated “evening,” the dinner bell sounded. Soon after, most of the population entered the dining room. Except for Hope.

“Where is your daughter?” said Alexander, the leader by general agreement.

“How would I know?” said Karen. She’d stopped paying much attention to Hope when Hope was three.

“She’s always late to meals,” said Benjamin. “She needs more discipline.”

”What does it matter?” said Jasmine. “We’ll all be dead in a few months anyway.”

It was the same conversation, with a few variations, that they’d had been having for years. Nothing ever came of it, and nothing ever changed. As usual, it ended with Karen going to look for her daughter. Also as usual, she found her in the library.

“Hope!” said Karen.

Hope looked around, and quickly closed the book she was writing in.

“Hi, mom,” she said. “Is it dinner already?”

“Didn’t you hear the dinner bell?” said Karen, for possibly the 457th time.

“I must’ve been concentrating too hard,” replied Hope, for possibly the 456th time. She got up and stretched.

“What were you working on?” said Karen.

This was new. She’d never asked this before.

“Why do you want to know?” said Hope guardedly.

“I’d just like to know what’s so important that it makes you miss dinner,” said Karen, looking curiously at the book. It seemed to be an average exercise book that Karen remembered from her own childhood. Not that schooling had been considered important, even then.

“I don’t miss dinner,” said Hope. “You always come and tell me it’s dinner time. Anyway, it was just some exercises. Do you know what happens when you multiply twelve million, two hundred and seven thousand, seven hundred and three point one two five by two repeatedly on a standard calculator? It’s pretty.”

Karen didn’t know, and she didn’t care, either. She’d never been too interested in maths. Hope must have got it from her father.

“Just come to dinner so we can all eat,” said Karen, getting back on track.

“Okay,” said Hope. “Just give me a second to pack up.”

She hid the book under her mattress, just in case.

After dinner was Hope’s time to relax. She ate her spinach cake and watched a DVD, wondering if she would manage to get out in time. She’d imagined vividly what it would be like in the last week of the universe. By then, the universe would only be 760 metres in radius, and the edge of the universe would have started to enter the complex. She imagined looking at the edge, completely black and moving forward almost imperceptibly. No official plans had been made for when the edge showed up. Nobody ever talked about it, at least not in Hope’s hearing. But she thought some people would run into it, rather than try to squash themselves into a small space. She'd heard that some people had done that when the edge had first touched the Earth, in the Middle East.

Hope paused the DVD and looked out the window. She didn’t know why the complex even had windows. There was nothing to see outside. It could’ve been blacked out, and she wouldn’t have known the difference. She’d read somewhere that the complex had been built while the sun was still around, so maybe—

A knock on the door made her turn around.

“Come in?” she said. She was surprised that someone was coming to see her, and more surprised that that someone was Karen.

“Hope, you didn’t answer my question at dinner today,” said Karen.

“You didn’t ask me anything at dinner,” said Hope. “No one ever talks to me at dinner.”

”Before dinner!” said Karen. “What were you working on, and… Are you watching South Park again?”

Hope looked at the screen. A crudely drawn kid in an orange coat was on fire, and a crudely drawn fat kid was frozen in the process of trying to beat out the flames with a stick.

“Probably,” she concluded.

“You shouldn’t watch that,” said Karen absently. “It has far too much swearing.”

”Are you saying that horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as there are no dirty words?” said Hope, quoting South Park.

“What I’m saying is…” began Karen. She sighed. “Stop changing the subject.”

“You’re the one that mentioned South Park,” said Hope.

“And stop being so pedantic!” said Karen. “What are you working on?”

”Um…” said Hope, thinking quickly. “Hypercomplex numbers… In a four dimensional plane… substituted into the cubic formula three pi times, and their effects on… theta, as designated by the subtle shading of light onto autumn leaves?”

Karen hadn’t completely understood the words, but she understood the tone.

“You’re making that up,” she said. “I’m not as stupid as you seem to think.”

“You’re not?” said Hope. “Could you grill me some other time? I’m trying to watch a movie.”

“Hope…” began Karen, then sighed and closed the door. Hope went back to her movie.

The next morning, Hope put on all the warm clothes she could find and went outside. She shivered, heading towards a nearby house that had been abandoned when the sun had vanished. It wasn’t in very good shape, but that wasn’t what concerned her. Inside the house was where she kept her time machine.

She’d been working on it since she was seven, and hadn’t known that time machines were impossible. But now it finally seemed to be ready. She’d been checking all her calculations for two weeks, and she’d corrected every mistake. Now was the time to test it.

Hope pulled the time machine out of the house, which was conveniently missing a wall, and got inside.

Twenty-four hours earlier, she got out. Nothing seemed to have changed, but of course it wouldn’t have. Nobody but her had been out here for years. She went inside and headed for the recreation room. There were a few adults in there, including her mother.

“Hope,” said Benjamin, who was playing pool with Jasmine.

“What are you doing here?” said Charles, who was watching a DVD.

“Um, I live here?” said Hope. “What’s the date today?”

“It’s the twenty-seventh of September,” said Karen. “You know, your birthday?”

“Thanks,” said Hope, and left the room.

“I wish I knew what she was up to,” said Karen.

“What does it matter?” said Jasmine. “We’ll all be dead in a few months anyway.”

So now she knew it worked. It suddenly occurred to Hope that the adults might like to come along with her to the past. But the time machine wasn’t even big enough for two people, let alone eight. Maybe she could post the schematics on the bulletin board so they could build their own. And if they didn’t want to, then that was their own problem.

Hope spent the rest of the day keeping out of the way of her past self. She didn’t want to explode or change the future the way she’d read in novels or seen on DVDs. She slept in the kitchen. When twenty-four hours had passed, she winced when she heard the sound of the engines. She hadn’t realised it would be so loud.

She quickly scribbled a note to the others telling them to look in her books, and put it on the bulletin board. Then she ran outside, found the time machine where she’d left it, pushed it off the road, and used it again.

This time, she came out somewhere warm and sunny.

Kids Can Be So Cruel

2007-08-03T13:20:49Z

I wrote this Discworld fic when I was fourteen. I fixed up the punctuation a little, but it's otherwise unchanged. I also started out trying to write in Terry Pratchett's style, but changed my mind early on. It contradicts Lords and Ladies, which says that Ponder was born and raised in Ankh-Morpork, but The Last Continent was written after that, so I'll go with that.

Title: Kids Can Be So Cruel
Fandom: Discworld
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,361
Summary: In The Last Continent, Ponder mentions that when he was a kid, he would get bullied frequently, and was once pushed into a lake. So I wrote about this incident. I think he's about ten here. Maybe younger.

A beautiful day slowly dawned in the small Ramtops town of Hubris. This was strange, considering that it was usually overcast at the least. Sometimes, it would hail in what the locals called "a bit of bad weather" but in some other places was known as "Freak Hailstorms Destroy Millions of Dollars Worth of Crops" or simply "Aargh".

Ponder Stibbons awoke and looked out the window. He groaned and pulled his bedclothes over his head. Maybe if he stayed like this for the rest of the day, he wouldn’t have to get up and he’d wake up the next day and it would be raining. He hated sunny days.

Ponder heard his aunt, Rita, enter the room. He tried to pretend that he wasn’t there. He heard Rita stop beside his bed and pull off the covers. There was a moment of silence, then Ponder heard her sigh.

"Open your eyes," she said

Ponder opened his eyes and tried to look innocent.

"Wstflg?"

"Go on, get up. You’re going for a swim today. You’re not going to mope around and read books on such a nice day."

Rita saw reading as a Waste Of Time that could be better spent doing More Important Things. This annoyed Ponder amazingly.

She bustled out before Ponder could argue. He sat up and buried his head in his hands. After he a while, he located his glasses on his beside table. He didn’t want to risk his aunt’s wrath by not getting up.

Half an hour later, Ponder was ready. At least, physically he was. He’d had an argument with Rita over breakfast about why he didn’t want to go swimming, which she’d won. Ponder hadn’t understood why he needed to swim, if he was going to be a wizard. His aunt had said that everyone needed to swim, whether they were wizards or not. Ponder had privately disagreed, but said "Yes, Aunt."

Now he had to go swimming without being hit, dunked or tied up. He’d heard the phrase "impossible task" and he felt it applied here.

When Ponder got to the swimming hole, he noticed without surprise that all of the boys of the town were there. He’d once tried to explain to his aunt what "bullying" was, and she’d told him not to be silly and why couldn’t he be more like his sister? When he’d pointed out that she was only little and besides she was a girl, Rita had got completely off the topic and treated him to a long lecture about The Century Of The Fruitbat and Equal Opportunities.

"Hurry up!" urged Rita impatiently. She’d only come to make sure he actually went there and not, for example, up the local mountain.

"But it’s certain death to go in-" Ponder began, but it was too late. He’d been spotted.

"Ah, here comes one of your friends. Say hello to him!"

"Hello, Phillip," said Ponder to the approaching boy, who, in Ponder‘s book, had earned the title of Chief Tormentor. Phillip gave him a similar grin to the one a predator might give its prey. Ponder swallowed nervously.

"Have a good time," said Rita as she left.

Phillip smirked. "What are you doing here?"

"Er, nothing?" replied Ponder, who felt very alone.

"Then do you want to play a game with us?" asked Phillip innocently

"No! I mean no, thank you." Ponder was aware of a number of boys that had gathered around to watch. He wondered which game it would be today. "See How Far The Lense’s* Skin Will Twist"? or "Surprise! You’ve Been Knocked Out By A Large Branch!"

(*The Discworld equivalent of nerd. In the absence of any Dr Seuss books, name callers had resorted to referring to anyone fitting the definition by the spectacles they so often wore. They had got the spelling almost right, however.)

"What a pity. We had such a great game planned, didn’t we?"

The boys slowly surrounding Ponder made various affirmative sounds.

"We were going to throw you off the cliff into the swimming hole, but now we can’t." Phillip now had a huge smile on his face.

Ponder knew that they were going to anyway, but Phillip seemed to take a pleasure in dragging things out. He noticed that he was sweating again.

"If you’d only agree, we can play. Won’t you?"

Ponder considered his options. One, he could refuse and get punched until he said yes. Or he could skip that by saying yes straight away.

"All right," A thought struck him. "Water is soft, isn’t it?" Phillip shrugged.

Ponder looked at the water apprehensively. It was a long way down. He wished that Greg, a large boy who seemed to have learning disabilities, would let go of his arms. It was a very long way down. It was a very very- his thoughts were interrupted by Phillip walking into Ponder’s field of vision, smirking. He reflected that Phillip’s trust would be a wonderful thing to have. Certainly less painful.

"We’re going to have lots of fun with this game, do you know why?" Phillip looked expectantly at Ponder, who tried to appear interested.

"Er, no?" His arms were beginning to hurt where Greg was holding them.

"My dad’s friend went to Genua, they have public baths there, and a board that you dive off into the water, and he jumped off, and he landed on his stomach and it hurt, and he only fell a short distance!" said one of Phillip’s friends, who was named Jason. Ponder went paler.

"We wanted to know if he was telling the truth," added Phillip. He nodded at Greg. "You can push him off now."

"Wait!" yelled Ponder desperately

"What?"

"If the water does hurt, I’ll, I’ll die!"

Phillip shrugged.

"You’d be a murderer!" Ponder said, trying to appeal to their sense of remorse.

"No one would know," replied Phillip, who obviously didn’t have one.

"But-" began Ponder, but didn’t get any further because Greg had pushed him off the cliff.

Through the terror, it occurred to Ponder that curling into a ball might prevent some pain. He never got a chance. He hit the water and his stomach exploded in pain. He took a breath, then found out why it was a bad idea to do so underwater. He choked, and passed out.

Everything was shadowy and distorted. Ponder could just about make out the water, which he seemed to be above. And he could see-

PONDER STIBBONS?

Ponder glanced around, then wondered why he wasn’t feeling shocked. A seven-foot skeleton would usually have that effect on him.

"Er, am I dead, then?"

WELL, YOU MIGHT BE, replied Death BUT IT’S NOT CERTAIN.

"But... you’re Death, aren’t you?"

YES, BUT IT IS THE UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE. IT WILL MAKE THINGS VERY CONFUSING IN A FEW DECADES OR SO.

"What? I mean, what do you mean, um, sir?"

NEVER MIND. THE THING IS, YOU MIGHT DIE NOW, OR MANY YEARS FROM NOW. IT DEPENDS ON WHETHER YOU LIVE NOW.

"That doesn’t make sense!" Ponder argued, then realised that disagreeing with a large skeleton with a scythe probably wouldn’t help his chances of survival.

Death took an hourglass from his robe and examined it. Ponder somehow knew what it was. It was his life.

IT WILL SORT ITSELF OUT SOON. He produced a bag and offered it to Ponder. PEANUT?

"N-no, thank you."

Death shrugged. I COULD SHOW YOU MY DOOR IF YOU WANT. ALTHOUGH I DON’T KNOW WHY SOME HUMANS SEEM TO THINK THAT THAT IS NECESSARY.

Ponder said nothing. Death waited

YOU DON’T FEEL ANY SORT OF SENSE OF FADING AWAY, THEN?

"Er, no, I don‘t think so."

IT WOULD SEEM THAT YOU ARE ALIVE, THEN. GOOD LUCK.

Ponder watched Death go, then passed out again.

Ponder woke up. He sat, then wished he hadn’t. He coughed for a little while, then took in his surroundings. He was sitting at the edge of the swimming hole. There was no one else around. It was getting dark, causing Ponder to wonder how long he’d been unconscious. Clouds were moving in. It would rain soon.

Ponder got to his feet and slowly walked home.

I hadn't read this for a while. I think it might be better than my later works. Crap.